“Ate, may boyfriend ka na ba?”, Jofti casually dropped this question via chat.

“Baket?”

“Wala naman…ganda mo po kasi.”

“Ahhh…hahaha…free ako ngayon”

“Unfortunately….wala naman akong kilala na bagay sa yo…at mukhang happy ka naman at di naghahanap…feel ko lang…”

I didn’t tell her, but yeah, my thoughts exactly.

See, I am aware that I haven’t fully recuperated yet. That I must respect this process of slow grief. So I allow hurts, anger, sadness, and longings to arise when they arise. Sometimes, I am able to sit with these feelings, engage them in dreamy conversations or silent raging rants. Other times, I get rattled and restlessness transforms into sporadic binges. But none of them include booty calls with some guy or comfort sex with a buddy or an ex-boyfriend. I figured this just isn’t my cup of tea. Because I did open up to the idea but found I couldn’t go through the thing.

Not that I haven’t had casual encounters before. I have. But they were during periods when am no longer pining for another, when there are no loose ends hanging, when I’ve completely come to terms with a past, when am receptive to a possibility.

I’ve always thought I was a one-man woman. My heart does not accommodate two or more romantic loves at the same time. When my love has been given to another and especially when it’s well-received and reciprocated, all other possibilities for romantic connections are shut out. In fact, I observed I develop no sizzling attractions for anyone else.

So maybe di ako naghahanap because I know where I’m presently at. It’s here, near there, but not there yet.

But I do like flirting. And I miss flirting. I enjoy the banter and the nakakakilig exchange of teasing looks, warm smiles, and carefree energy. Yet I know this only becomes possible when I too become open. And openness entails a certain amount of faith. Faith in people’s connections and the transformative power of mutual affection. Faith that there are such things.

But faith is not a simple matter of believing. It’s knowing and sensing. You know it’s there because it’s there.

So maybe di ako naghahanap because maybe am waiting. Because maybe I know that the situation will present itself when I am ready for it. And that when it’s there I will recognize it. So maybe am open. And maybe I have once again known faith.

So maybe I will flirt. Boohoo! 😛

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