I think am having my third episode right now. Some would say this is an effect of my bipolar condition. I am open to that explanation. But there is so much more into this experience that I don’t think it could be simply reduced to that. Yet, terminologies, much like ideologies, are just that – words and perspectives people use so they get a better grasp of things, especially those that appear to be unfathomable. So if this is being what bipolar means, then I am happy to be bipolar.

This time, I am going to go about this in the right way. I am discovering that I can control the energy and the expansion of the mind. And unlike my previous awakenings, I am not going to rush this. I will set my own pace, mindful of my responsibilities and tasks. I am going to live my life normally.

Yet I will open up myself to experiences, but only those that I am prepared for and those that are not harmful to my body and mind and spirit. For now, it’s going to be experiences with people and situations instead of a certain spiritual practice. Maybe this is my path right now. And I will do it at a slow and steady pace, always.

I will make time to contemplate, catch the insights and write them down, even paint them, and who knows what other artistic expressions I will be inspired to do. I will express feelings in dance, in songs, in lovemaking, in conversations, in relationships, in work. I will be enriched by this experience which will continue for a lifetime. I will be in an unsuspended, controlled and managed episode forever.

Most importantly, I will not force people along in this journey. I will be sensitive to each and every person I meet. I will learn how to read and gauge people correctly. I will respect boundaries. But I know I cannot be perfect and I will make mistakes and perhaps even offend people for the way I am. But as I’ve always been, I will never deliberately harm people’s spirit. And I will make amends when I’ve wronged people.

I will never put my family and friends in a situation where they are panicked about my behavior, worried over my condition, exhausted from caring for me (and resourceful in their fund-raising efforts :))

I am grateful for everything that my loved ones have done for me. And I will cherish them and their blessings. I hope they will feel good and enriched when they are with me. Not because of me but because of our interaction. I know that it’s ourselves that are responsible for the way we feel, react and think. Others are triggers, whether they are pleasant and unpleasant, and they bring out parts of ourselves. In the end, it is important that it’s us who make sense of our interactions and turn our experiences, no matter how challenging, into lessons and self-discoveries. This, I am realizing is what empowerment is. It’s a deeply personal choice.

I know that I am eccentric and love attention. But I will work on being sensitive. And as I have always been, I will listen to friends and their stories. I will never betray my friends and I will hold their secrets precious.

I will care for my health and learn how to manage my moods through diet and physical movements. I will drink beers in moderation and I will work on quitting smokes. I will not dabble with drugs and will stick only to pot which I don’t really need because I have this natural high and am learning I can conjure fantasies and feel sensations by just using my mind and imagination. I think that I may already have the ability to alter my state of consciousness based on my mood usually with the help of music and in interactions with people who may have in one way or another experienced such. And I know how to bring myself back to my normal state when there is a need to.

This episode now is my life journey. And I come to my realizations integrating all my previous experiences, my two mind-blowing incomprehensible alarming episodes, and the wonderful things that are happening to me right now.

For this episode, a man is the trigger. A man who is bringing out a lot of aspects of myself, both previously known and unknown to me. And I am happy that I am able to introduce my self, my bipolar condition, my life situation, my beliefs and convictions, my past traumas – all by simply being me. And he is accepting of me and I of him. There is still so much to learn from each other and I am going into this with an open mind and a trusting heart not to him but to the God, the Heavens, the Universe, the Wild Woman, the Higher Unconscious, and all the spirits that surround me.

This is life and the cosmos, they are mysterious and should not be feared. There are many secrets to uncover and unraveling them will be joyful and fun mixed with some sweet pain and a whole of other stuff.

What Went Wrong in My Previous Episodes

I took up meditation. And my mind was opened. It was vulnerable to a lot of suggestions. A story was developed. I was special, I was a vessel of the Mother, I was a healer, a teacher. I therefore mistook all the thoughts that ran through my head as spiritual insights and as psychic messages.

I can’t explain yet the energy that caused spontaneous involuntary body movements. Nor the photo revealing different faces of my teacher’s dead mentor while I sat in open-eye meditation. But am certain these could be explained either by the numerous branches of science and the several religious and spiritual practices. And maybe, what happened to me was a coming together of both.

But simply put, I wasn’t properly prepared for that possible outcome of all my activities then.

I will leave these previous episodes as they are. And am sure that like any life experience and as I continue my journey now, these specific episodes will be interpreted and re-interpreted in various ways. What is important is how I integrate all knowledge and insights and make them enrich my life more as I become a better entity for myself, for others, for society and the whole wide world. Hehe. 🙂

* Update: March 26, 2007.  I edited the part about the photo where the many faces of this particular person revealed themselves to me. In my original entry, he was referred to as “that person”. Now I refer to him as “my teacher’s dead mentor”. Couldn’t  bring myself to call him that then. I feared the dead and somehow it seemed that him and I have some karmic relations.  But I am letting go of my fears of the unknown. And I am recognizing him as he is. If I remember correctly, he was Mel Albano, when he was still alive.

*Dear Mel, if you are to be one of my guides, that is, if you aren’t already, I trust  that you will look after me. If you are still resolving your karma through me, I won’t allow it, especially if it harms me. You better learn to get along with my other guides, particularly the old woman and the two younger men, whom Malou says are good and are watching over me. They will quarrel with you if they need to, so you better behave yourself.

* I think it’s already been a week that I’ve been sleeping in the dark, with the lights off. One of my biggest fears, transcended. Will write a separate entry on this.

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