(posted on Facebook last February 10, 2020, a year before Mama passed away)

Ya know, ya know, people of the world…

I dunno how to articulate this thing that I seem to know…

Seem to know… I dare not presume, most times I doubt…

Because there is no lack of turbulence in our world and in our lives…

No matter how hard we try to keep ourselves together, to search for solutions…

Do allow me to speak for myself…

Each and every time I despair…

Each and every time I am twisted about weeping my pain, my rage, my hopelessness and helplessness at the way things are in the world and in our lives…

(and, ya know, I never run out of tears; have an abundant supply, must be the gallons of water I drink 😛)

Each and every time…

I am brought back to Life, by an act of love, by acts of love…

And then, I see its rippling effect… I am stunned… in awe… I can feel my eyes dilate and bulge… (because, ya know, when we have that sudden realization, our eyes grow bigger as if to check, verify, and validate the existence of an intangible and invisible thing that we know is true, but our physical eyes will never ever see… 😛)

This rippling effect of an act of love… acts of love… expressed in various infinite ways… they are persistent… penetrating… perpetuating…

My friends… I do not know if I am doing a good job of articulating this… but really… if we are going to make sense of everything that haunts us…things that make us question everything, including our mental health…. know that we are haunted , precisely, by the call to love… that annoying voice that pesters us when we are knocked down… dead beat… those dark, foreboding voices that keep us awake… those disturbing thoughts… that fatigue… that physical pain… that overwhelming emotion… that numbness… that emptiness… ennui… our suffering, our insanities, our sense of being unloved and unworthy… those are the haunting voices of love… however we sense that… that… that… thing… my friends, that is the call to love…

TO LOVE…

Each and every challenge and battle I contend with that leads me to weep and bleed and cause my mind to devise plans of where I should wander and escape to revel in peace, I am jolted by someone’s need… by that call to love…

All along… and always… everything…all the messiness and rigidity in our lives…underlying all these…underneath all these is a Call To Love…

Do you catch my drift, friends?

Many of us feel wounded thinking that we just want to be loved, feel loved, acknowledged, accepted. Yes, that need is true and valid. It’s so true for me, that I stayed and dwelled in that space too, thinking that is what I need for my healing, that is what I needed to fight for my space in this world. Yes, but also, no. For we can’t stay in that place for too long. For it can be crippling and disempowering. Perhaps, we can pay it a visit every once in a while…But really…. the fullness of Life is best expressed and experienced when we respond to the Call To Love.

My friends, the need to be understood could be exhausting. I become exhausted, others too, most especially those who are like us, our mirrors… And it can be particularly difficult to be understood by those who matter most to us….You are understood, my everdearest friends…Know that deep in your heart….Let us not agonize too much over that…For what needs to be released, what needs to be expressed, my friends, is our need To Love. That need is so compelling it drives us nuts, because each of us acts on that Call To Love…What is not understood about us is that and that which we do not understand in others…

That is, perhaps our illness…and if so, the cure to that, my dearest dearest friends, is to heed, persist and be attuned to that Call To Love…

Most times, it only takes a bit of courage and curiosity… But…but the deeper we are into that path, into that maze, the more haze there is…and so it takes more bravery and fortitude…It’s never easy yet it is also so easy…As we persevere in responding to the Call To Love, we are challenged by its myriad expressions – it can be messy, turbulent yet also easy, serene and gentle…

My friends, especially those who feel misunderstood, who cling to despair and want to wither away…don’t. Feel the anguish, yes, but know again and again that you are called on To Love. To Love, my friends…Walk, walk with your feet on the ground and seek those places that allow yourself its expressions of love. You are never alone. And remember, there are more spaces available for you To Love than spaces that make you fully worthy of Love. ..And perhaps in those spaces, some of your questions may be answered…

My friends, my wounded friends, our wounded selves, wherever you are…walk, walk along to wherever you are led by Life’s Nagging Disturbing Call To Love. To Act. To Care. Fully and deeply and with all the lightheartedness we can muster. ..And perhaps, we shall have lived precious Life truly. 🙂

nagmamahal,

Ate Rudie